Xzibit is Mr T
Xzibit at the Gumball 3000 Rally, London 2007

So Xzibit is Mr T for 2004, and that’s fine for brain-damaged toddlers. But isn’t incredibly creepy when he says “you’ve been pimped” to the ‘contestants’ on his hit MTV show Pimp My Ride? While I’m all for disempowering offensive words and phrases such as ‘faggot’, ‘chav’, and ‘cum-farting-teen-slut’, I’m against giving positive connotation to the word ‘pimp’.

Have you watched Taxi Driver? How about Lilja 4-ever? Pimps are slave-trader rapists who help people catch Aids and become addicted to crack cocaine. But everybody knows that they call that show Pimp My Ride to disguise the fact it is essentially a terrible makeover show in the grand tradition of Changing Rooms and whatever the one where Alan Titchmarsh does gardens is called. If they had any honesty, MTV would call the show Black Eye For The White Guy.

Ok, Ok. Xzibit is a good host who’s at his best when barely disguising his total contempt for the suburban whiteys who freak out because his buddies transform their fucked-up 70-year-old jeep into something that even the stupidest crackwhore in Compton would think twice about parking outside their house for fear of getting firebombed, but really, despite how much “X to the Z” Xzibit will protest, there’s nothing ‘gangsta’ about his new album of one-dimensional rap.

Being ‘gangsta’ is having 13 kids and selling crack from you mother’s porch while drunk on malt liquor. It’s not presenting the European MTV Awards and jumping up and down in the air when Maroon 5 won The Best Rock Group For Deaf And Blind Cretins award like Xzibit did last month.

Yes, even though there’s a moddy shot of him holding a 9mm on the sleeve and there’s lyrics here that talk about selling crack (v original), sawn-off shotguns (big surprise) and strippers (stop blinding me with science), this record is a soft as a dead dog lying in a puddle of maggots and tramp cum.

Why? The beats are from the worst Ice Cube album ever made and the rhymes are sub-Coolio. Like when he says: “I’m feeling like Will Smith/Making 20 mill of a flick” are we meant to feel happy for our protagonist or envious? Hold on, let me try to fking care for one fking nanosecond. Umm… nope.

© Andy Capper @ NME 18 December 2004

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